9/10/08 - The Thomas Hotel, Christchurch
I cannot express how much I miss America right now. The contrast between the States and New Zealand is simply too great - it is much too quiet and isolated here. When I was caught up in the maelstrom and vibrancy of American life, I didn't quite realize how hard it would be to resurface from it. I am finding it extremely difficult. In fact, I would describe the feeling as homesickness. America was where I lived for 3 months, a period of time which seemed epic in scope. I felt like I was ready to leave, but obviously I was kidding myself.
Part of what I wrote at Oakland Airport remains true - I do have ambitions that I want to work towards, and I will. If I am going to be at home, then I am going to work hard at them or else there is no point in me being there. Quite simply, I have to go traveling again, hostel style - at the beginning of my journey I though that I might be done with it. I now know that to be far from the truth. Cam is in New York and I am so unbelievably jealous - thats where I want to be right now, not in NZ, Brisbane, or Australia, period. I will be back there in the next 3 years. 27/28 is still easily young enough to do the backpacker circuit. Hopefully I will get there in the next two years though.
I'm off to Dunedin this afternoon, but I am really only mildly interested. I realize that what fascinates me now is energy and scope. NZ, while horrendously scenic, does not have the vibrancy that comes from having 300 million people. Wellington is a great city, but I need to have a metropolis at my fingertips. I really should have done NZ first, which is what I realized when I flew into Auckland in June - I wasn't prepared for America yet, having been so stressed out before I left. NZ would have provided a great opportunity to gradually easy my way into the traveling mode.
When I get back to Oz, I really need to be proactive, its the only way I could stand to stay there. My friends and family are great, and I missed them a lot when I was in the States, but now that I am so close to home I don't feel that same desire to get back to Melbourne; I just want to be on a plane back to NYC. If I am not getting somewhere professionally in the next couple of years, I am out of here.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Homecoming
20/9/08 - Oakland International Airport
As I am preparing to depart the mainland, I can't help but feel regret. After 3 months, I've gotten used to being here, accustomed to the vastness and the vibrancy of the place. Having spent much of the time in a state of unease, why is it that I now feel most at home here, almost like an honorary American. What is that most detestable part of the human mind, that doesn't allow us to truly appreciate something until it is almost over?
This has not been like the last time; I have not been captivated by a permanent sense of wonder, although I have definitely experienced awe on a number of occasions. The transcendence I felt when I was here 3 years ago has not been as potent this time around. There are a few ideas I have come up with for why this is the case. Firstly, 2005 was my first time on an extended journey away from home. I was 21 years old, the perfect age to experience this magical land that I had so long dreamed about. By the age of 21, I think the character of most people has more or less fully crystallized. You are at your most alive - impressionable like a sponge, but with a personality strong enough to retain the core of what makes you who you are. It was a transforming, life-defining journey for me, and I spent the next 3 years trying to recapture the vividness of experience that I felt in that brief, transient period. This current journey was the culmination of all my efforts, but it has not provided the illumination I had hoped for.
The challenges that have formed over the past few years cannot be overcome simply by travelling. I know I won't be happy until I feel like I am accomplishing the task that I am designed for, whatever that may be. I don't know why I feel less alive and invigorated than I did 3 years ago. It could be growing older, but I don't think so. I think it has more to do with the degree to which you are contented with and excited by your life. I don't think I will be able to achieve that purity of visceral epiphany that I once experienced until I can honestly say that my life is going the way I want it to. Adult life creeps up on you, and existential crises are not easily solved. I have come to the conclusion that the way forward lies at home and not abroad, at least at this stage in any case. Ultimately though, I know another extended jaunt overseas, and in America, lies in my destiny.
This journey, while different from the last, has still been an amazing experience. I don't think I will be able to process everything I have learnt and felt until some time from now. The number of people I have been able to get to know has been astounding, and even better than I had hoped for. That probably more than anything else is what I will cherish most from this journey, and enjoy for the rest of my life. I feel that I have really gotten to know this country well, having spent almost 5 months in North America all up. It does seem like I have been here for a long time now, when I think back to Blacksburg and New York, and it is hard to believe that I am actually leaving. For the longest time, it seemed like there were so many days left ahead of me. It will be interesting to see how I readjust to the routine of Melbourne life - I still have a few weeks of NZ and a bit of time in Queensland before I will find that out, though.
Leaving the US mainland is the endpoint of my American odyssey, the primary purpose of this journey - it has certainly been a trip. So long, farewell America... it's been great. From Chick-Fill-A in the south to Coors Flagons with Cam in San Francisco at the Green Tortoise. From Camel Lights with Evan in Victoria to American Spirits with Will in Northern Virginia. From Moped burns in Blacksburg to hookah in Fayetteville. From reconnecting with old friends to making new ones - I bid all of you a fond farewell.
As I am preparing to depart the mainland, I can't help but feel regret. After 3 months, I've gotten used to being here, accustomed to the vastness and the vibrancy of the place. Having spent much of the time in a state of unease, why is it that I now feel most at home here, almost like an honorary American. What is that most detestable part of the human mind, that doesn't allow us to truly appreciate something until it is almost over?
This has not been like the last time; I have not been captivated by a permanent sense of wonder, although I have definitely experienced awe on a number of occasions. The transcendence I felt when I was here 3 years ago has not been as potent this time around. There are a few ideas I have come up with for why this is the case. Firstly, 2005 was my first time on an extended journey away from home. I was 21 years old, the perfect age to experience this magical land that I had so long dreamed about. By the age of 21, I think the character of most people has more or less fully crystallized. You are at your most alive - impressionable like a sponge, but with a personality strong enough to retain the core of what makes you who you are. It was a transforming, life-defining journey for me, and I spent the next 3 years trying to recapture the vividness of experience that I felt in that brief, transient period. This current journey was the culmination of all my efforts, but it has not provided the illumination I had hoped for.
The challenges that have formed over the past few years cannot be overcome simply by travelling. I know I won't be happy until I feel like I am accomplishing the task that I am designed for, whatever that may be. I don't know why I feel less alive and invigorated than I did 3 years ago. It could be growing older, but I don't think so. I think it has more to do with the degree to which you are contented with and excited by your life. I don't think I will be able to achieve that purity of visceral epiphany that I once experienced until I can honestly say that my life is going the way I want it to. Adult life creeps up on you, and existential crises are not easily solved. I have come to the conclusion that the way forward lies at home and not abroad, at least at this stage in any case. Ultimately though, I know another extended jaunt overseas, and in America, lies in my destiny.
This journey, while different from the last, has still been an amazing experience. I don't think I will be able to process everything I have learnt and felt until some time from now. The number of people I have been able to get to know has been astounding, and even better than I had hoped for. That probably more than anything else is what I will cherish most from this journey, and enjoy for the rest of my life. I feel that I have really gotten to know this country well, having spent almost 5 months in North America all up. It does seem like I have been here for a long time now, when I think back to Blacksburg and New York, and it is hard to believe that I am actually leaving. For the longest time, it seemed like there were so many days left ahead of me. It will be interesting to see how I readjust to the routine of Melbourne life - I still have a few weeks of NZ and a bit of time in Queensland before I will find that out, though.
Leaving the US mainland is the endpoint of my American odyssey, the primary purpose of this journey - it has certainly been a trip. So long, farewell America... it's been great. From Chick-Fill-A in the south to Coors Flagons with Cam in San Francisco at the Green Tortoise. From Camel Lights with Evan in Victoria to American Spirits with Will in Northern Virginia. From Moped burns in Blacksburg to hookah in Fayetteville. From reconnecting with old friends to making new ones - I bid all of you a fond farewell.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
